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dysfunctional
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
i am sure i'm seriously weird. i hope he doesn't have my bloglink at all or i'm so screwed man. BIG TIME. anyway, i have been having really weird dreams for the past 2 nights. all about the sensational feeling of love. the morning following my first dream left me feeling so loved like never before. and that's after i got attached to him. i'm not really sure why i said yes but it was a spontaneous decision. like yeah, okaayyyyyy kinda thing, if you get what i mean.
life has a seriously strange system. just as i was walking home on sunday, i was like telling myself to not hestitate about the next relationship and really get into it, not having my weird ideas ruin it this time. so when he asked that night, i remembered my promise to myself whilst a traitorous part of me wanted to be loved again. and i said yes.
by the second day, i was having second thoughts. ALREADY. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME MAN? when he talked about long term plans, this idiotic part of my brain was sniggering like, wad, you think we'll last that long? arghh... i think i have Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde in me. Seriously. just like the duo-personality woman in Heroes.
mainly my insecurities about myself is the cause of all this shit while other factors played a part. he's indian muslim. i can't even remember how old he is. he's in the army with another year to go. he dropped out of poly cause he didn't wanna continue with his course so that explains the army part. but he plans to go back to poly to do what he wants after serving the army. we're long-distance. i don't really know him and vice versa. he's kinda tall and freaking thin while i have insecurities about my weight. lol. i don't know why skinny is never the problem while fat always is.
not that i never had a freaking skinny ex before, i did but still... it just makes me feel damn insecure okay. not about or with him but with myself. when insecurity was a thing of the past, i think this insecurity has reached the level of paranoia. ever since k i think... when he got into a fight because one of his classmates insulted me. i felt damn bad about it and sad, terrible, horrible and disgusted at myself. so it has been like that all the way.
argh...... i hate it. anyway, today's the Mentor's BBQ at the Law Courtyard. total waste of time man... fiona, abby and clarence went. so did I but abby and I left early. the food was like so-so but at least they were free. lol. cheapskate but yeah la.. nothing was done there. I HATE MYSELF.
♥ occasionally sane but mostly weird 10:43 pm.
Prelude
Annsley's words.
She tried to fall in love but failed.
She learned everything the hard way.
To be on top, you must sacrifice.
She's alone.
Putting distance between people and herself.
She's losing everyone.
Hell of a complicated girl.
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If you think you know me, read my blog and think again. I'm imperfect and I can't help it..
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