dysfunctional
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
i am sure i'm seriously weird. i hope he doesn't have my bloglink at all or i'm so screwed man. BIG TIME. anyway, i have been having really weird dreams for the past 2 nights. all about the sensational feeling of love. the morning following my first dream left me feeling so loved like never before. and that's after i got attached to him. i'm not really sure why i said yes but it was a spontaneous decision. like yeah, okaayyyyyy kinda thing, if you get what i mean.life has a seriously strange system. just as i was walking home on sunday, i was like telling myself to not hestitate about the next relationship and really get into it, not having my weird ideas ruin it this time. so when he asked that night, i remembered my promise to myself whilst a traitorous part of me wanted to be loved again. and i said yes. by the second day, i was having second thoughts. ALREADY. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME MAN? when he talked about long term plans, this idiotic part of my brain was sniggering like, wad, you think we'll last that long? arghh... i think i have Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde in me. Seriously. just like the duo-personality woman in Heroes.mainly my insecurities about myself is the cause of all this shit while other factors played a part.he's indian muslim. i can't even remember how old he is. he's in the army with another year to go. he dropped out of poly cause he didn't wanna continue with his course so that explains the army part. but he plans to go back to poly to do what he wants after serving the army. we're long-distance. i don't really know him and vice versa. he's kinda tall and freaking thin while i have insecurities about my weight. lol. i don't know why skinny is never the problem while fat always is.not that i never had a freaking skinny ex before, i did but still... it just makes me feel damn insecure okay. not about or with him but with myself. when insecurity was a thing of the past, i think this insecurity has reached the level of paranoia. ever since k i think... when he got into a fight because one of his classmates insulted me. i felt damn bad about it and sad, terrible, horrible and disgusted at myself. so it has been like that all the way.argh...... i hate it. anyway, today's the Mentor's BBQ at the Law Courtyard. total waste of time man... fiona, abby and clarence went. so did I but abby and I left early. the food was like so-so but at least they were free. lol. cheapskate but yeah la.. nothing was done there. I HATE MYSELF.
♥ occasionally sane but mostly weird 10:43 pm.
food for thought
Sunday, February 25, 2007
it's been ages since i last blogged and i've even forgot my own blog link. solution? go to a friend's blog to find the link to my own blog. smart ehh?back in perth again and i don't even know why i'm here when i'm supposed to do my reading log. anyway, if anyone's reading this, please pray real hard for me that i'd be allowed to keep all my units and that i'd be exempted from finance law. i don't think i really want to go for law camp anymore and i just want to go to jess' house to celebrate "xuan siao". better than get ostracized by a bunch of angmohs considering none of my friends from law are going......went out with jess, iris (duoduo), her guy friend from bj, jemini and rebecca. guess the biggest reason why i'm here at such ungodly is because of what rebecca told me today. she and a particular loser broke up over a whole deal of issues that is FOOD FOR THOUGHT (and hence the title).what is wrong being fat? yes.. no doubt that being fat means that we must lose weight but it does not mean we like being constantly reminded of that sore point. sure, i hear ppl say. "you must get used to the harsh side of life and maybe that can help you delude yourself etc." but why can't ppl just accept ppl for who they are?lead to much discussion later on with jess but for now, i can't be bothered to type it all here. maybe this is why i can't keep up with a blog. shucks. i need to lose weight fast. and for all the skinny people out there, please don't be deluded enough to think you need to lose weight too. eg. iris' friend. he's skinny, lighter than iris; the model, and so what this shows? i don't know lah. anyway, he's siao enough to jump so many grades and be working with an engineering degree so fast so nothing else is beyond him right?
♥ occasionally sane but mostly weird 1:03 am.