argh! fickle

Monday, October 31, 2005

i am damn confused. first taylors college then friends college and then kilmore international school and now what? Canning and Tuart College. and trust me, this are the final choices that were presented. this is not the starting list of colleges that i had to pick. or do i get to pick at all? all i simply had to do was to heed my parents' "advice". first vce (victorian certificate), the ib (international baccalaureate) then the tce (tasmanian certificate) and now what? FOUNDATION PROGRAM. that's what! when all i wanted to do was foundation course at the beginning. they made me change my mind so many times and now it's back to square one?

my parents and all sorts of guidance advisors told me enough to let me make up my mind. like come on, when u didn't want me to do the foundation program, u told me all sorts of shit. now u want me to do that, i can make up my mind okay? i'm not some cow you lead by the noose. urghh. finicky business.

at first, i wanted to do the foundation year but couldn't cause i'm a pr. and they told me all sorts of rubbish about not making it within 1 year as i would have skipped an entire year of courses for subjects i have never taken. so it was the vce. however, all thanks to the idp guy, it was friends college which was the ib and tce. and all thanks to the dunno-what agency, it was taylors college. so it was a war of decisions about those two. i stepped in and put my foot down and pushed for ib. so it was the ib. FOR THE MOMENT.

so lada lada. mumsie found out about kilmore which has ib too. she liked it better than friends because of their good results. and yada yada, it's in melbourne which is near godpa and samuel. and it became kilmore and friends. so what did daddy do? go back to idp. so what now, u ask. it's Canning and Tuart College that offer Foundation Program for both locals and international students. LOL. i mean, if you want me to enter Foundation Year, then you should have stuck with that decision. why make me more confused than ever? you changed my mind about Foundation, then VCE, then IB. at the end of the day, what are you pushing for? FOUNDATION. that's square one. you should have left it at that. (sighs)

ok. and so i was thinking when i was eating my subway sandwich whilst daddy, ally and josh were yakking over the dining table (they are now far far away at some Deepavali party which i'm not allowed to attend due to impending exams. *pouts* ). to think i used to dread going because i know practically nobody and etc. i actually wanted to go today. in fact i was quite excited at the prospect even if it meant standing around amongst daddy's friends and co. hmmm.. i think it was more of the naan that attracted me. you should know, the indians eat at very late hours. i mean comparatively to mine of course. most of time i would have been starving and the only thing i eat at these parties are the potato chips or the naan. that's it. zilch. nothing more. that was also one of the reasons why i didn't like going at the beginning considering that i have a change of liking all of a sudden. (winks) going anywhere these days are a huge treat to me. pathetic huhh.

and coming back to agenda after digressing so long....ah-hemmm... i've decided!! haha. call it the BIG D. the Big Decision.

i've decided to introduce two major segments in my future entrees. SUNDRY and FRIG'OUT. hahaha. i have many topics or stuff that i wanted to write in this blog but it seems endless and some don't really make sense under the underlying reason why i call my blog "Facades of Emotions" and it doesn't concern me but rather my opinions about other matters or like interesting/gross stuff that happened somewhere or long long ago that it does not make sense to post it in my blog when it is supposed to be the day's stuff. yea. i thought it would be pretty cool. alright. maybe some of the stuff might include the daily thingy but yea. i tend to go on and on without realising if i made any errors or if i am coherent to all the normal human beings. so i pretty much would not realise if i did or did not include anything of the sort. afterall. NOBODY'S PERFECT. Hence you are not perfect either. so you aren't in a position to criticise. lada lada. going to plan out the items lined up. hurray!

♥ occasionally sane but mostly weird 9:09 pm.

demons of the past. let it go.

i am seriously so proud of myself. apparently i don't give enough credit to myself. my friendster profile is highly visited. (jaws drop) much to my amazement. and it didn't occur to me that people actually do read my profile!!! oh well. if people think it suck, then too bad. they are merely straining their eyes to read the rubbish i produce on my profile. but truth to be said, i am very proud of sticking up for myself against the cam&co. sighs. i can finally let the demons of my past go. no more sticking around trying to retain the old friendship. obviously she doesn't give a hoot about me, nor the rest of us that care for her, and want the best for her. since she can let her friends or it might even be her who did it to me, it just reinforces my good foresight to let her go.

one can never live in the past. it is impossible to live like this forever. ultimately you would only end up tearing yourself apart. the demons of the past only exist because you let it exist. the will of the mind has the power to extinguish these demons and you, have the power to that. shan't say anything more but here's the part i'm posting up, that i'm particularly proud of.

i do hope u're reading it, since u've read it all before. coward. i'm not replying straight out cause it would only go back to the wrong person. why hide under the shelter of someone else's name? i don't even know you. or if u're the actual person, i can't be bothered. u threw away all our friendship. i can't stand living in the past. living my life for you. i'm sick of it. no more expectations. don't u think i've got enough of that already? i live my life the way i want it to be. hell, i don't live my life for you. it doesn't revolve around what u think of me or what u think i should and shouldn't do. life's too short to live a double life; a life of me and a life of your expectations of me. if this is what u think, so be it. it only changes your impression of who i am in your eyes. but ultimately, the main thing is, do i care what u think of me? puh-lease. you are not even in my life, what's more, part of my life. so why do u think what u've said would make a statement or change the way i live my life? get a grip. it's time to be welcomed to TRUE LIFE. no more of stuff like SIMPLE LIFE? it isn't all about making comments and snides. it is all about living it.

yepp. that's it. it all seems so simple now. but i'm not one to say cause it sure did take me long enough to do so. still, i feel relieved. no more excuses. no more lies. no more denying. confronted my demons. and one to remind anyone or me of when i read this again, anything evil or negative are all cowards. they torment you at signs of weaknesses. they use that as their selling point, this is their control over you. but if these weaknesses are something you are un-ashamed of, or something you are un-afraid of, mann. u're on free bird. no one would ever have a hold on you. so this is also another careful reminder to live your life respectably, not that you can not have fun of course, just that don't do anything against your conscience. a free conscience is the best bet to remain a free man. remember that.

♥ occasionally sane but mostly weird 5:09 pm.

burned out.

yeay! people do like my blog!!!! whoppee! mann.. this is sooo incredible. wow. like 2 comments over a space of sucha short time i've set up my blog without telling a single soul about the website. a knows i've got a blog but he doesn't know the website. hahaha. to the people reading, i appreciate your reading of my blog and the compliments. i lurve it. =)) it does feel nice to be accredited to something nice.

to think i came with the intention to bumm everyone out with my whining about my exams today. my spirits were instantly lifted with i saw that 1 comments thingy i saw at the bottom of my blog. lol. it sounds childish but it does make me feel like some kid whose given a big surprise by Santa during Chinese New Year. Totally unexpected, out of the blue. *smiles* i just can't stop smiling inside. my facial muscles refuse to work. feels as though i just recieved the botox treatment or something. my face can't move. i'm burned out.

anyway, back to the original agenda( i'm sorry if i'm constantly on the whine but yea, if i don't let it out on my blog, whose blog am i going to let it out on?), today's Chinese GCE O levels was ok on the whole. but i still think it is dumb to make everyone study like 8 books for the 4 years for 5 questions only. like come on, you do not need to force us to cram like thousands and thousands of chinese characters down our throats just to test us for 5 characters only? it's only 10 marks! and we have got to memorise the meanings and how to incorporate them into a sentence??? it's a complete waste of my time. might as well narrow it down to the a smaller pool of words right? or like say, keep it to the secondary 3 and 4 syllabus. they didn't even use the secondary 1 and 2 stuff anyway. and we are supposed to study that as well for the exam that won't even test it? are exams just tests of our memory skills or what? i don't know about others but it sure feels to me that good memory is the key to good grades. i can not help it if i do not have the super memory and have to slog hard just to TRY to remember my chinese characters.

at the end of the day, after remembering like most, i end up knowing only like what, 3 out of 5 characters? not to mention the fact that double characters also end up in incorporation of sentences and are we supposed to memorise so much just to secure the probability of turning up. we are supposed to study the book of idioms for mostly the incorporation of sentences. isn't it enough? apparently not. and for the record, both the double characters incorporation of sentences questions that came out, for all i've studied aka memorised, i could not do any. is it fair to make us memorise so much just to leave out the others? come on, our memory albeit being the best storage system in the world, has it's capacity. mine is not excluded. but i must remind you that mine is extremely limited. probably 'cause i have not discovered the way to open up more parts of my brain to remember or what, i do not know at the moment.

oh wells. it's over. 2 paras is quite an eyeful for someone who isn't intent on reading whiny chinese o level papers. but i shall keep it up with other topics. not that i'm proud of being whiny, but if everybody is going whine to me about some stuff or another, i do deserve a break and have somewhere if not someone to whine to. right. and i realised i'm repeating what i said before. i do not have to account to anyone about what i write, but for the record, what the hell. saves a lot of explaining later on. it's an either-do-it-now-or-later thang.

i'm totally burned out for now. didn't or rather couldn't sleep properly though exam periods make me feel sleepy all of the sudden. y'know, the rebellious streak in your subconscious that coax the more sane side of you to do what you know you ought naught to do. i suppose the sleep early part was a good thing. but it certainly does not help when you have got another million and one information to cram into your brain!!! moreover, you sleep early but wake up feeling like you haven't slept at all. it feels crappy. worse than a hangover 'cause it lasts so much longer than a hangover though it's milder than one. u know, like pain in small doses is more irritating cause unlike pain in bigger doses, you get it over once and for all.

and my blog entrees are getting longer and longer. (groans) dunno what happened to my resolution to keep things short and sweet. i've got like somemore issues i want to talk about. still. it is high time to end here. short and numerous entrees are easier to read than long windy ones no matter how much. cheers. i'd be back soon. i need a break. (yawns)

♥ occasionally sane but mostly weird 2:48 pm.

quickie

Sunday, October 30, 2005

right. i'm going to try to do a quickie before i get back to my books. it's the eve of chinese o's! psssss...don't tell my mum and dad. i haven't really studied for it yet. and all those minimal stuff i've studied, i haven't got a clue which part of my brain it's located at yet. (shrugggs) and if it ain't anywhere in the premises, i wouldn't know either. =((

anyway, godpa and samuel flew off today. the whole family's migrating but only godpa and samuel would be there to stay. my beloved godma, sarah and spencer would be staying on in singapore to finish their education whilst missing their beloved hubby, father, son and bro. haha. i had fun at the airport today. didn't realise samuel really grew. (mentally that is) he's still so short. josh is the same age as him but so much taller. but sarah and spencer are soooo petite or nooo..minute! ally's so much taller than sarah though sarah is like errr....2years++ older than her. spencer's the same age as ally but oh welll....i think anyone can guess how much shorter he is huh, especially since he is younger than sarah. lol. both samuel and spencer are really good-looking. sighs. if only they were taller. hahahaha! joking...i'm not a paedophile. still, i can gurantee that they both would be Casonovas. watch out gurlies!!!

hahaha. we were all bumming around in the airport, talking and fooling around with godma+godpa's family, friends, church members 'cause they came to send them off as well. josh started teasing samuel abt the songs he listens and the teasing went on and on between samuel, josh and me. josh is sucha big mouth and story-teller. though sometimes it's just for jest. he started blurting out all samuel's secrets and affairs(though i dunno how true they are except the vulgar songs that godma don't allow him to listen to). but the playboy thing was sorta confirmed by samuel's expressions and actions. den he was talking abt all sorts of crap abt me when samuel and i decided to get back at him. hahaha. i love that godbrother of mine already. he's cute and really fun, not to mention easy to talk to! i don't believe that i didn't know that before! hahaha. he's a total sweet heart.

by the way, naruto has some soft porn pics!!! i can't believe it!!! josh was reading it and we dared him to show maman, which he did in the end. lol. she didn't say anything. and josh didn't have the balls to show daddy. but then again, daddy was talking to godpa's friend whose the some oh-so-important-person-regarding-australia-affairs. lol. i think the whole world know i'm off to australia soon. except some ppl i guess. namely my friends and teachers or wadnot. haven't really told them yet. only xanne, hubbs, and at most m. a just knew it today.

oops. maman came in and caught me red-handed. eeks. hope daddy don't come in and start lecturing me. oh wells. all of us wanted to eat at the airport afterwards but daddy didn't want to. I'm glad that he didn't. We went to the Three 8ighty next to Miss U Cafe. I luurve their fish & chips! it's so much nicer than the ones we had at Fish&Co.. and the price is really cheap! $3.80. and if u turn up in ur full school uniform, u'd get a free drink. good food and cheap prices, i don't wonder if we would be their regulars in no time. hahas.

and i saw the big hoo-haa on straits time about xiaxue blog. after reading the entire thing, i have to agree with her that this matter has been blown up to proportions. as i read her blog, she explained herself really well and i have no doubts that she meant no harm. she did not stereotype the disabled in the strictest sense of words, but i think the complainer mistook her. mann.. people should really start reading up. don't jump to conclusions. every word is important in a sentence to get the full meaning of it. eg. he would be here shortly. and he could be here shortly. there is so much difference in just 1 word!!! would shows that his presense is confirmed to due in a short whilst could shows that his presense is not confirmed to be due by when. and i think the keyword in her phrase is "rude". she referred to the "rude" disabled PERSON not the disableds in general. when would people start learning true english? i guess not. or at least there would be a minority that wouldn't. oh wells. que sara sara (what's mean to be will be). it's nature's call.

haha.. and i realised. her blog is really interesting. she conveys her ideas really well. almost instantly, we get her idea or opinion. it has interesting entrees but somehow i feel it's void of personal matters or maybe emotions? still, with some many people viewing her blog and whatsnot, i suppose it is hard to share the most in depth of your feelings with so many people. you'd never know what would happen after that. human's nature is just so unpredictable. and as i am fond of saying, skeletons are meant to be kept in the closets. not to be flaunted and definitely not to be showed.

sighs. a is at the airport now. what a bad case of bad timing. oh well. i guess that's why it's called bad timing. it is just like another replay of a bad soap where the guy miss the gurl at the same place and vice versa. he says he's there to pick up a friend of his but i know who the person is. if the person is family, he'd have said so. but the key word in the entire msg was: FRIEND. it isn't hard to guess who he/she was though in his case, the person is a she. karys or charis, i'm not sure abt the spelling but i don't care anyway. it was all over his friendster profile that she was gone to some place but she'd be back and stuff. moreover, they've always been closed so it's no big surprise that he'd pick her up. she likes him but him...he says he likes no one.

right. i'm not ruffled by her. what rifles me is the fact that if he does not like her, why is he still encouraging her? it stumps me down right to my last penny! still, i can never be sure. in this world where honesty is not the best policy all the time, he could be holding back his real feelings or his real thoughts. maybe he does like someone now. but i guess i wouldn't know that either. sighs. when i haven't been totally honest with him either. can't expect him to gimme the superior treatment of being totally honest with me, can i? treat others how you'd want to be treated.

right. this has gone longer than just a quickie but i guess i've justified myself of releasing my thoughts through a channel. my handphone inbox is filled again. sighs. ending here. =))

♥ occasionally sane but mostly weird 11:48 pm.

out of context

this is like so way out of context. as in, it doesn't fit under the heading of facades of emotions but what the hell. this is my blog so i can do whatever i like right? gawd!!!! and i thought i was my suspicions. but now whatever m said increased it like tenfolds!!!! he really likes her! mann! i don't know if i'm stumped or what. but i don't feel hurt or whatsoever. and that is just so amazing. used to think i was possesive or something. guess i've changed way beyond my knowledge huh. oh well.

telling my dear hubbs zh about the complicated mess. or the shortened version at least. everyone's just so busy studying that they haven't got the time to hear my oh-so-long story. not even for a good bud. oh wells.

another shocker. i never thought or rather expected, someone to actually read my blog entrees. but yea. i let the cat out of the bag and told a abt the comment left at my mysteriously secretive blog. however, i drew the line at letting him knowing the actual blog add. phew. thank god i haven't lost my senses around him yet. totally unlike the previous experience with isaac. hallelujah! i'm thanking my lucky stars. seriously. it might not seem like a big thing for others but it is for me. it concerns a friendship i treasure, an unrequited love or maybe liking that i cherish.

oh well. if m is going to tell me why exactly or how he changed(over msn messenger) , i'm seriously going to be damned. hey, he said that himself. as in he asked if i noticed if he changed. i mean like, huh? play dumb is my best policy. and i pushed for my policy so oh well. at least it steals some time for me before i have to face what is impending.

ha! it sounds mean. no. IT IS MEAN. hmmm. maybe what a said abt telling someone that u like that person is particularly flattering on the ego. i think it's true. but i sort of feel bad abt lester but quite errrr.... ashamedly flattered especially when i read the email he sent.. posting it below cause no one except the stranger would see it. right?... (casting my doubts)

ps to the stranger:thanks for the compliment and for reading my blog. it felt weird for a bit but overall, it was quite flattering. but i'm just not interested in the survey thingy. sorry..

To whisper in your ear
Words that are old as time
Words only you would hear
If only you were mine

Must be brave and we must be strong
Cannot say what we no longer long

How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you here in my arms

Your voice and your heartbeat
I long for them daily, even it's just four days
I want them forever, maybe u will, maybe you won't.
I'll keep my promises, my promises to myself and to you
A promise that i will make now and then
Just to stay beside you , give u a listening ear when your'e down
Give you a hug if you cry, listening to instrumental musics together
Thinking of what dream you wished every seconds...
Thinking that are u the one u miss each single seconds

The way you play your piano, so near yet far.. ur everything seems so beautiful when i first met you i couldnt convince u... but i know that i did make u smile. Sorry for being lame and childish... I did my best... maybe not the best out of my best... because i'm lost.. i'm being so alone and lonely.. i had the same dream daily... No no, not again... i just want.. a little more attention from u.. because i will never feel lonely n lost with u around... im off.. to a place now... .. i hope.. . and i know ur wishes will come true =) because my wish did came true x)

Lol. i don't know what to do. everything is just so confusing and i'm not studying! rahh! it's bad. i'd better burn the midnight oil. cheers!

♥ occasionally sane but mostly weird 1:20 pm.

damned

oh well. i don't think the entree i typed yesterday before all my connection was gone could be savaged. oh nvm. today's today and i think i was wrong. big time. what "poor m".. it's just a bunch of rubbish. so is "eeww, he's digusting". oh well. i've broken up with him so he's free to date anyone he likes. and that includes your best bud right? she doesn't even like him. oh well. i'd never know that for real either. haha. right. oh well. they're free to have a go at each other.

i'm not making snide remarks. oh oops. maybe i am. but i think i didn't mind as much as i thought i did when i first knew. haha. they deserve to be happy. even if it means my privilege is cancelled off. oh well. it's hard to give up what u own even if u don't want it anymore. haha. it's time for me to learn and grow up i guess. i will. =)

♥ occasionally sane but mostly weird 10:21 am.

happy outside, confused inside

Saturday, October 29, 2005

mann.. after this post, i doubt very much i'd ever let him see this blog. gawd. i'm just praying he never set sight on this blog. i haven't told anyone about it. i don't care if the random stranger sees it but it's different if he sees it. i can't believe he asked who "he" was! obviously i could not say anything to him when it's him whom i was referring to.

but otherwise, i feel bad for m. poor m. i bet he's really confused now though he knows i don't like him anymore. i mean, how come, if a girl breaks up with you so many times, obviously she doesn't like you anymore. and that she told u a million times that u were better off as "brothers & sisters". it's just too bad that m was online the same time as him. wy is no better. he didn't get it nor did a. gawd. how dense can guys get? i can't trust my feelings anymore. i no longer have a clue to whom i really like. maybe it's a passing feeling but it's something that can not be helped at this point of time. wy is real confusing and well a is just too....hot&cold. my my my, what a situation i've landed myself into. (wails)

it's my own choice. damnn. o level chinese is just this coming monday and i haven't even got a clue. i got to score really well for my L1R5. i'm not going to let my choices be reduced to nothing. i've got my pride and dignity. i'm not letting any future employers think i went to aussie to "buy" a degree. it's going to be i-could-go-anywhere-i-want-but-i-chose-here kinda thing. i can't live with humilation. i want to live a life where my head would not be hanging but not up in the air either. just straight in the face. rahhh! i should just leave all these alone and just well...move on and study. help!!! oh well. it's a mad world i live in.

♥ occasionally sane but mostly weird 12:53 pm.

yoghurt & blackcurrant lemon tea

i'm back again. lol. the last blog wasn't done at 12+ in the morning. it's ridiculous. but if u asked me, what's more ridiculous is that i'm here again. in like less than 4 hrs since my last entry was published. oh well. an interesting fact i discovered today. blackcurrant and lemon, when used together, it is an excellent cure for colds 'cause it fights cold! cool. i didn't know that before. getting mumsie to drink it. she's sick, poor thing. her gorgeous voice sounded so odd when i called her. like she couldn't breathe..

oh wells. having yoghurt and tea for dinner. i guess all this emotions is getting to me? my appetite is diminishing. it used to be the other way round; i would binge to make myself feel happier but i'd feel like shit afterwards. but now, i'm trying to feed at regular hours. i was quite surprised i was not feeling hungry. only yoghurt seems to whet my appetite. i've changed my tastes again. haha! to think i got quite annoyed when mumsie bought ski d'lite wild strawberry and not yoplait mango. i think i like the ski d'lite wild strawberry better now. it's tarty and creamy. yum!

i've recieved the email from the board of legal education. guess i've got to break the bad news to daddy tonight. it's not going to be pretty. according to them, only the law degress from universities listed in the 4th schedule; University of Tasmania and Murdoch University, are recognized in Singapore! apparently Monash, Western Australia, Sydney and New South Wales are not recognized anymore.. sighs. hell. i don't even know where Tasmania or Murdoch are. problems problems and more problems. first foundation college and now this. either i go to Tasmania or Murdoch or i'd have to practise law in Australia. otherwise it means i'd be jobless in Singapore!!! shudders. this is something i wouldn't even want to contemplate. but living in australia full-time? i can't imagine it just yet. i mean, i've lived in Singapore all my life. i can't adapt to changes just like that yet. it takes time. i'd miss grandma and granddaddy and all the singapore food!!!

where am i supposed to find lim chee kuan bak kwa(barbecued sweet meat), cold cheng tng and kangkong with cuttlefish in bedok market, chicken rice in old changi airport, pineapple tarts (mumsie's and grand-aunt's), talam ubi (bengawan solo), ondei ondei (grandma's) , tapioca cake and green bean goreng in maxwell market, braised tofu with fried chai po(preserved radish) plus veg at bedok coffeeshop, gu lo yok (sweet and sour meat) at taste good at bedok market, yam ring, yam paste and char siew in australia?? it's my absolute favourites that can't be found there. besides, importing them to australia is impossible. u can not even bring water in there! export out, yes. import in, impossible.

gosh. i didn't realise i'm such a foodie. .................. alright alright. i've always been a foodie. i love western foods too. but i am brought up in both culture foods that u know, i'd still miss singapore. oh yea! mexican food at margarita's at mt faber! i love andy! he's the restaurant owner. the food is just so fabulouso. oh well. u've got to pay a price for it though. no pain, no gain. but then, there's the pain of trying to work out the calories of wolfing it down. ummmm...i'm salivating already. but still not hungry. YET. maybe tonight would be one of my midnight snack days. the last time i chowed down an entire pint of Ben&Jerry's choc cover peanut butter filled pretzel in vanilla and peanut butter ice-cream. one of their fattest, high-calories invention. =) (shrugs) it was worth every calorie. hmm. i'd miss my foodie and shopping places too. Miss U Cafe near my house, with the cosy ambience, cheap and yummy food and the roti prata, roti john and mutabaks, located, also, near my house. roti pratas at bedok market near shop&save, roti john and mutabaks at the street opposite. cafe galilee at library@orchard, the nice bohemian cafe at library@esplanade (currently under renovation), my naans at breadtalk...

oh my gawd. i've only listed just SOME of it and it's so jaw dropping long already. man. go figure why i gain weight so easily. man. oh well. back to studying. i love this blog. it's like a friend i can talk to, without bothering if it's bored or fustrated at my continuous nattering. no wonder some people keep their journals where ever they go. hmmm. but typing is so much easier. maybe i'd just bring my laptop with me everywhere i go. or maybe not. haha. everyone would think i'm crazy and it's heavy too. oh well. shall decide later. lalala. i'm feeling happier. =)

♥ occasionally sane but mostly weird 9:38 am.

my empty shell

Friday, October 28, 2005

ok. another new blog. guess it's like those pirates. never put all the eggs in one basket. never wanting one particular person get too close. it's almost like a defence step i think. i hope no one reads my blog but then again, even if people do, i don't care. i like writing but sometimes, i don't make sense and i get a bit too windy. i resemble a cat licking her wounds at home, not wanting to expose to the outside world. hmmm.. maybe i would follow emily bronte in her footsteps. she wrote Wuthering Heights while living in seclusion of her own. no one was with her. i don't think she had any lovers or whatsnot. all she had at the beginning of her life was only her sisters and brother but they left anyhow. how did she cope with loneliness and seclusion? i'd have gone nuts! maybe i would put her under friendster's who i want to meet. but she's dead. oh well. hmmm.. in case if anyone's wondering, well.. my "seclusion" is only for a while; when i get sick of the outside world. it's good to have some peace to myself. my world. no need to please anyone. i can do whatever i want.

keep having to remind myself someday, someone would read this blog....... it's a bit of a pain in the neck. =(

i love this song. it's When Your Spirit Gets Weak by Plus One. it's really calming and soothing. it kinda make me feel better about my prediacament or myself and the emotions i'm feeling. friends can only do that much. somehow, problems i have, it's hard to explain to them or tell them the extent of the problems. well, it's just the theory of you-will-know-only-if-u-r-in-the-same-shoes. still, i appreciate them and their listening ear. it feels nice to know u r cared for. however, i still feel as empty as ever, or worse. it feels as if i've got to be strong for myself. no one is going to support me if i fall. i have only me, myself and no one else to rely on.

i'm gonna post the lyrics. this is the kind of song u'd come crying for when u're feeling down but forget when u're happy and stuff. it's like a listening ear which is always here for you.

"When Your Spirit Gets Weak"

We beg to borrow
We beg to steal
We beg forgiveness
We beg to feel
We beg for love
I guess we beg for hate
We beg for everything
And pray it's not too late

What everybody's tryna' feel
I guess we're tryna' heal
Everybody's got to kneel
No way to reinvent the wheel
Everybody's got to
Stand up on their feet
Everybody needs a dream
When the spirit gets too weak

{c h o r u s}
So when your spirit gets too weak
When the water seems too deep
When you think there's just no way
I'll be there for you night and day
When the mountain
Seems too steep
When your spirit gets too weak
When you think there's just no way
I'll be there for you night and day

We beg for happiness
We beg for tears
We beg for courage
Just to overcome our fears
We beg to rise above
And hope we never fall
We beg for everything
And pray He hears our call

What everybody's tryna' feel
I guess we're tryna' heal
Everybody's got to kneel
No way to reinvent the wheel
Everybody's got to
Stand up on their feet
Gotta be there for your brother
When the spirit gets too weak

{c h o r u s}

Although the road is rough
And sometimes you feel
Like it ain't enough
We'll be there for each other
We'll find the way

{c h o r u s}

i'm not going to bother if my blog entry is long. well, it is always long. short entries are rare. haha. i actually came with the intention of relating all, no, some of the things that have been bugging me. oh well. maybe some other time. i feel good after listening to the song. no way i'm gonna dwell in those rubbish. this song is my psychologist. cheers. may it help me as much it helps others. =)

♥ occasionally sane but mostly weird 3:12 pm.