my tendencies

Sunday, September 24, 2006

oh how right was it when i chose facades of emotions as my blog's name. it is really so. even my msn nick says that a mist clouds and shades over my emotions 'cause i realized it's no point being so direct and say it all out. people just keep coming up and ask nosy or curious questions. a nick like a mist clouds and shades over my emotions draws far less queries whilst the intellectuals find it amusing and stop at there. somehow my tendency to talk to people online seem to appear only when i'm back in sg. i'm quite reserved online here.

SEARCH FOR A STAR was a HUGE success if you asked me. the performance was great and that's coming from me when i was very reluctant to go. however, i had to usher and whisk and away, lo and behold, i was there doing the door with jasper. it was difficult at all though i don't really want to think how it was inside with the others.

got hit with realizations whilst watching the show and at that time, i was with kenneth cause that boy didn't want to seat alone and i told him if he waited for me, i'd go with him and that i'd accompany him all the way.

it was really strange cause our bods were so close to one another that they were overlapping. not entirely but at least a bit. still, it was comfortable being with him and how come i can talk easily to people i'm very familar with but with others, it's like having a wedge in between my mouth that i can't talk and words don't seem to flow out. it's like a staggered flow of water. anyway, back to the point. please don't get mistaken. i don't know what i'm expecting and i'm expecting that no one reads my blog (seriously i am) but kenneth is just like a little boy albeit the fact that he's 2 years older than me. it'd be just like falling for a boy. almost paedophile-like. whilst i was thinking about it, kelly clarkson's song Walk Away came into my mind. something like how i don't want a boy but a man in a relationship. she speaks of should the guy stay or should (he) go, how i waited for you so long, stop pretending, and that i don't want a boy that run-and- hides; a game that a boy plays.

what it felt like to me was that a boy treats relationships like a game and probably he's too immature with childish characteristics for relationships that she wants a man instead. a man to treat relationships seriously and matured enough to treat her right. it was exactly that very same thought that occurred to me that i decided that it's no point liking the other one either. he's still very much the boy he used to be. though he's probably slightly more matured than kenneth at times, he's still a boy that whines and pleads; a reminder of how my brother used to be when he was a young thing, trying to plead his way with me that my heart would just melt. seriously, i'm just too soft-hearted or is it just a woman's characteristic?

mentioned the wrong person in full frontal with Jay then. i feel terrible especially for shelina. i'm really sorry for that, that i wished i could just die then and then. it wouldn't help much and i just felt horrid insides. partly from the fact that i would try not to like him anymore and the fact that i did something bad. arghhhh. stupid me. i think there's a gap between my brain and my mouth. my nervous system had a part chewed out methinks't.

plenty of cute guys there and loads of cute children. the guy from school also went with his friend. though many guys from school went, the guy whom i don't know is the one i think is quite cute. however, there were many cute guys that i didn't know either. saw many people i don't get to see often- even less than that of my churchmates, and made some new friends.

can't remember Kevin's friends but there's David from choir, the other ushers serving, Gerard, Uncle, Bernie, Stephanie, lawrence and terence. saw Melissa(she's still uber-cutee), Jason(he cut his hair; quite style now), and Hongjun with his gf(i think). shucks. i didn't have dinner cause Kevin was going home to eat and he was sending me home. had lotsa sweets for dinner though. you should see the amount of sweets we took back man. lawence and kevin had the most. bleagh. can puke already. i got a lot too but i poured some over the a less full bag of terence's cause i really had too much. and nowwww, I'm UBER HUNGRY!!!! i want to eat but eat what??

oh yeah, i haven't got to studying either. die. tml gotta call daddy and mumsy back. oh wells. i'll survive. goodnight.

♥ occasionally sane but mostly weird 4:21 am.

it's all about you

Thursday, September 21, 2006

you have a place in my heart. i will wear you on it; somewhere closest to my heart; just like how you are in my heart. till the day i have no more feelings for you, only then, would i remove you from this special place in my heart.

i think this is getting way out of hand. i'm thinking of things i've never thought before. i'm way too crazy. i even thought for craving his name on my hand just now. like how he is carved into my mind, i want him carved into my skin; me. but i'm just too chicken. i daren't.

it's all about him i'm thinking of. i get crabby when he's not talking to me. i hate him for that but the next instance, i feel like the happiest girl on earth when he's finally treating me good. i want the things i want. i want to be the princess hidden inside me.

i want to stop feeling fat, ugly and dumb everytime i see prettier, skinnier and more sophisticated girls. i want so many things yet i can't achieve them. i want him to treat me like a princess; HIS princess- like there's no one ever there before. i can't help it but think-- would it come true?

somehow i just feeling like asking mummy or god like the little girl i was, staring innocently, maybe pouting a bit, mummy/god, would he love me? would he love me just the way you do?

if i could wish, before i wished for another million or so wishes, i would wish that you would love me like i do. love me so that i feel loved and enveloped in the blissfulness of being together with you. love me so that i feel like the happiest and luckiest girl on earth. love me so that you don't ever want to hurt me, never. just love me. it's all i ask of you.

♥ occasionally sane but mostly weird 9:10 am.

nobody knows

Sunday, September 17, 2006

i don't think anyone who know that i'm back at my blogspot. it has been ages since i've blogged and yeah. i've kinda realized that the less one talks, the less people have against you. words are subject to interpretation and ppl interpret things differently. it can in turn create many readings. i've read something i shouldn't have bothered reading but i just want to say that i've not regretted this lack of friendship. somehow i've become happier and no matter what, i just want to remain happy.

went out with jessica today. it was a very full day. ate too much i guess. we were supposed to go to FitnessFirst at Cannington together (and to see Waseem's cousin- Ali) but guess we kinda got lazy to do that. =p hey, but we've made a bet. if i don't go next week, i'll buy her the LARGE BASKIN ROBBINS ice-cream (tub). if she doesn't go, i'll get her a LARGE baskin robbins-sized tub of cockroaches which is no problem at all. there are so many crawling outside the porch after dark that i don't think aunty will mind if i got rid of that problem. *laughs*

she tempted me with her char siew when we were at Chi. supposed to watch her eat there before she accompanied me to eat at (most probably) Taka. idiot!!!! arghh.. haha.. but in the end, i caved in and ate at Chi too. too lazy to go eat somewhere else again. somehow i think the Chi in Vic Park is nicer and the atmosphere there is better as well. yupps.. walked around and accompanied her to eat Baskin Robbins.

bleaghs. i think i'm getting sick of ice-cream already. amazing ehh? i think so too. gosh. i really can't stand choc ice-cream. was thinking of someone so i got his usual but somehow it didn't mix with what i ordered. it's strange cause it's like an omen saying that our flavours will never mix and that we will never mix. i don't like his flavour and it's a typical boy's kinda flavour. maybe not for a gentleman but definitely a boy's. it's so weird and i just missed him so much the entire time!!! DIE!

jessica keeps laughing at me because of that. got 2 necklaces with the thing to keep pictures inside. one's silver and the other's gold. don't really like gold but the gold one had heart, the place to put pic and a key. wahhh... so sweet! bought them at MYERS and it came with a quite nice charm necklace. lol. missed my bus because of that and jess was quite happy 'cause then i would be able to accompany her to the busport and take the bus there instead of St Georges' Terrace. so i took 177 and yupp, toured the entire Bentley which is longer than the typical 170,174 or 176.

and here i come, coming home like a good girl, supposed to study with fefe but he abandoned me!!! >.<>

oh yeah. back to the real reason why i wanted to blog in the first place. i think i kinda like this guy but sometimes i'm not sure at all. it's like an on and off feeling that comes as fast and goes as fast as someone flicking the switch for the light. he's nice and good towards me at times but mean and cut-throating at other times too. he's the first person i think of when i'm in danger and the one i'm most comfortable with. yet sometimes i can feel indifference, aloofness and be cavalier towards him at times when he's mean and pissing me off. i get hurt by his comments even at times when he doesn't even know what he's saying. it's so weird that i'm so confused now. and yeah. that's how nutty i was when i was in the city. kept thinking about him that i ended up buying those necklaces before realizing i didn't have his pictures and even if i did, i don't have the print out hard copy of it. stuuuuuupid.

when i was walking to ryan's party last evening, it was so dark i could barely see the way i was walking to. drizzling, i was wet and cold, despite having showered before. so on heels and carrying the cake, off i went to vickery house. but before turning to Marquis Street, one bunch of Middle-Eastern(i think) guys dressed up like street punks started whistling and tried calling me. thank goodness later on i was on the phone and i pretended not to hear them. gosh, i was so scared. dark and alone is worse enough. the terror of Australia's streets is worse. then i started berating him in my head cause his image kept popping up when those guys passed me.

why aren't you here when i need you the most? why do i keep thinking you can protect me like my guardian angel? why are you the first person i think of when i'm in danger and you don't even know i'm in danger? why have you left me in such a situation in the first place?

so with that in my mind, i seriously felt like crying at that time. scared and lonely. it didn't help that they kept rushing me to reach and i was on heels, carrying the cake, walking in the rain alone feeling scared. btw, i have terrible night vision. walked towards St James before i realized and headed back towards Bentley. tho' Shelina, Dayong and Edwin came to find me, i reached there even before they were near me. they went to the wrong place to find me but still, i appreciated it. strange enough, when Shelina asked me if i was alright, scared a not, when we were at Vickery House, the water dams just simply released and the tears flowed a bit. i couldn't control it but the gates closed pretty quick. thank goodness. how embarrassing would it have become if others saw but the lights were all off. only those wearing white could be seen/identified and the guys had a pretty fun time trying to scare the girls by creeping up unsuspectedly behind them. the screaches were pretty sharp on the ears.

yeah.. the night was okay but i ended up coming home. though i was supposed to sleepover at may's house but i realized i was too tired and maybe too bored to wait till then. i wanted to watch the ones at may's house where Lionel and TK tied Ryan up but yeah.. too impatient to wait so i missed out on those. haha.. Lionel and TK are nice guys with super brainy brains but pretty sick minds. still, they are good company and they are fun to be with. very intellectually sick conversations but good food involved. like their jelly and ice-cream and they are also very generous with their food. wanna stayover at may's house soon! but must sleep properly the night before first.

friday night; slept for a couple of hours between preparing for English Tutorial then slept over at Shelina's house. slept around 2+ and woke up between intervals from 8+ till the final waking up at 11.57am. however, i was still too tired to last the entire day. reached home after getting Ryan's cake at Carousel at around 4+pm. supposed to take the bus to Canning but ended up sleeping till 7 when everyone's supposed to meet. after showering and all that, it was nearly 8. dots..

going to study now cause i wanna pass my math. haha.. positive overtones will give off good karma. ciao.

♥ occasionally sane but mostly weird 6:28 pm.