Works are by yours truly; Annsley.
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weird
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
nothing seems normal in my tinted view of my life. what makes me scratch my skull open is the weirdness of my actions. Perth has got me swearing that i would do all my days' worth of shopping once i got back to Singapore and so far, i've done nothing of that sort. i'm letting the grains of time fall freely through the minute hole in the hourglass that determines the passing of time. i anticipate my days to speed like the racing cars in the track race. am i a recluse or just a anti-social depressant? i hole up in my room; never leaving my room for a long time, watching the dvds like a heroin addict hooked on heroin. and thus, another day has passed without my knowledge of time actually passing.
i'm not shopping but i'm not doing anything else either. my days revolves around Jewel in the Palace, eat, sleep, pee and nothing else. even my body refuses to listen to me. my subconscious knocks me into slumber, my tired wretched body screams protests to take a break and yet, here i am. i'm cheating myself of the sleep and rest i ought to get. one might wonder what rest and break someone like me needs, but it's true. i feel screwed just by watching dvds nonstop, eat, sleep etc. tired. beat. sore. these best describes what i'm experiencing now.
i want to get out of this screwed routine and yet something holds me back. somewhere in the dark, it seems as though a hand is groping at my skirt tails, preventing me from progressing forward. still, a thought lurks at the shady muddy end of my brain; telling me that i'm partially the cause of it. i don't want to face the rest of the world; feeling safe cocooned in my blanket, secured and in-vulnerable. perhaps i feel safe alone, but it is as though i have lost myself in the surroundings. the processes i have gone through, they are the sculptors. the basic foundation of my clay has gone through the sculpting of these processes that the original has been lost in the midst of the modifications. i know i should not let my surroundings influence me and that i should maintain my stand, my principles and my outlook in life no matter what happens because these are the basic foundations of my being. they give me the core of my existence. the reason why i am living and how i am going to live it out.
lol. it ain't as if my friends are not helping me but i don't think i have ever asked for help. still, i think god knows that he has sent his help in the form of some friends. though it is my choice to accept or decline, i think the latter rather than the former is what i have decided upon. it was really weird but yaozheng asked if i was going to town tomorrow. when pressed for the reason, he said he'd go if i went. it is weird because i didn't say anything to him nor have i talked to him in a long time. i was watching my dvd like any other time when he came out of the blue to ask me that. it wasn't long after that marcus came and talk to me. albeit it was for a short while and that i haven't talked to him in a long while ( though not as long as yaozheng) but he asked if i was free on the 24th. still, i think i didn't want to go anywhere as the idea of interaction with people is enough to make me sick in my tummy, want to hole up in my room and limit any form of humanly interaction to the minimum.
twinny is in a bad mood too. fucking guys fuck our fucked up lives till we are so fucking miserable. poor twinny and yet there's nothing i can do but just to try console her. but the guy is a nutter. MEN, LISTEN UP. YOU DON'T FUCKING KISS A GIRL UNLESS YOU FUCKING LIKE HER. ALSO, YOU DON'T FUCKING FRENCH A GIRL JUST TO TELL HER TO NOT LIKE YOU. twinny, stop drinking. it ain't making the situation better and it doesn't change his decision. but seriously, he is not matched in your worth. you deserve a guy who can treat you loads better than him. you need a prince to treat you like the princess you are. sighs. men. the root of all women's troubles as per usual.
i thought he cared when he messaged me. i thought he cared that's why he was worried about me. i thought he cared. for a while, there was a glimmer of shimmering light before it disappeared into the dark empty sky. it was foolish of me because it was a no-no. still, once again, the sad truth was thrown into my face. i no longer liked him anymore but why does it feel so weird everytime a sign that he cares surfaces? is it because i couldn't have him before that's why i want to give it a shot or because of something else? it puzzles me to figure out the complexities of the mind, brain and heart. good griefs. twinny, men are just weird. there are no ways to get rid of them. GO TO SLEEP. u're fucking drunk that ur typing is worse than mine when i'm groggy with sleepiness. far becomes fark and it doesn't help that my twinny says fark instead of fuck all the time. *smacks head*
anyhow, she's going off to bed. looks like it's back to watching dvd though i don't know how long i can last without doozing off to slumberland. my eyes are convulsing with pain and i struggle to lift those heavy lids up. still. i am numb. numb to emotions and everything else. i want to feel something. even so, when i showered, i wanted to feel the searing heat of the hot water scalding my body; letting me feel the pain. i wanted a good hot shower to let my senses relive but no matter how i tried, cool water ran out from the taps instead. though it signalled for hot water of the highest degree to gush out from the taps, it didn't happen. all i wanted was to submerge my numb body into a hot shower. even so, nothing went the way i wanted it to happen. IS A HOT SHOWER THAT HARD TO MATERIALISE?
♥ occasionally sane but mostly weird 12:19 am.
Prelude
Annsley's words.
She tried to fall in love but failed.
She learned everything the hard way.
To be on top, you must sacrifice.
She's alone.
Putting distance between people and herself.
She's losing everyone.
Hell of a complicated girl.
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