skeletons in my closet

Thursday, December 08, 2005

i've re-watched Jewel in the Palace for the second time running already. it took me nearly a week to watch it and now, it's Meteor Garden II that i'm currently watching. there isn't much choice actually. considering the number of serial dramas that i have at home, it is the second longest drama series with Jewel in the Palace taking the crown. this is to show how bored i am at home. it no longer takes any convincing to let everyone know i'm bored beyond belief. mumsie told me to do something constructive but exactly can i do now? no money to shop and nearly everyone is either overseas holidaying or taking up a job. besides, i can't take up a job either; until my schedule is stable. i'm sick of thinking of what to do that i prefer to take up quick-time-passing activities; watching dvds and vcds.

daddy woke me up early this morning when tried to wake me up. he said that he was worried if i was going to behave like this when i'm in australia. no one messes with me when i'm in a foul mood. i'm still pissed that he hasn't kept to his part of the deal yet. i retorted back with WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO AFTER I WAKE UP? he said to eat breakfast and when i made him continue with my supposed itinery for the day, he was speechless. there is nothing to be done that can erase the fact that i have nothing to do. sad.

my blubber piles up as i lay in the bed or the couch; doing nothing but eating and watching the dvds/vcds in comfort. idling my time away like a good-for-nothing. my books are re-read for the umpteenth time that i have ceased to read them unless i want to fill those small empty frames of unwanted time or if the memory of the books has dimmed. in fact, i can memorise the contents of the book already. lol. borrowing from the library is too troublesome because i don't visit the library regularly after the o levels passed. returning the books i've borrowed is the only catch in the entirely lucrative deal of borrowing books.

somehow watching Jewel in the Palace for so long makes me miss Jewel in the Palace after watching it. it feels weird to watch something else now. it makes me feel as though Jewel in the Palace has become a part of my life that everything i do, i would relate it to the show. perhaps it is weirder to say that i hate watching the bad parts of the show but would rather watch the good. everytime i consider re-watching the dvds/vcds, i would consider the number of bad and good parts in the show. hence, it would be the fight between the good and the bad before i would consider re-watching it. moreover, it must also be unless the bad parts are tolerable to me. one might wonder what do i mean by the bad parts. my definition of bad parts are the parts where the protagonists have to suffer pain and agony whilst the antagonists truimph. that's the case that nowasdays, i find myself refusing to face up to the pain and misery that i refuse to watch those parts.

shits. i feel like watching Jewel in the Palace. AGAIN. i'm on the first cd of the Meteor Garden II but i haven't reached the part when something bad would happen to the leading male character and here i am; blogging just to try escape from watching it. i want to stop feeling the hurt and pain. i want to feel nothing. still, just now when the female and male leading characters could not find one another in a foreign country and were hugging one another tightly after they have found one another, i was reminded of something. i am curious if i have watched it sometime this year. still, i can only but recall the only one time i watched this Meteor Garden II which was sometime when i was Sec 2. i refused to watch it since then because the part II was crap compared to the first. nevertheless, i felt the irony when i revisited the scene in my mind.

marcus dropped his wallet in mumsie's car when she offered to drop him off at Bedok because we wanted to do grocery shopping too. by the touch of ill, his hp was confiscated by his mum then there wasn't any way of contacting him. through the goodwill of strangers, he contacted me on my hp and we were on a wild goose's chase finding one another in Bedok. it was really weird because we couldn't find one another even with the help of mumsie, josh and ally. it was only after a few hours later that i realized i was at the wrong place and we were worried about him going home late again. finally, i thought i could find him after reaching the other Bata shop only to find him gone. i asked the sales ladies and they told me he left. i was on the brink of tears before they told me the direction he had gone that i found him alas. without a word, i flew to his arms and was crying; wondering aloud what i would do without him. it was identical to the scenario in the show that i am wondering now if i was replaying the show in my life.

i want to fall back in love but i am afraid to do so. i see people in love, i envy them but i feel happy for them too. i want to rid of my sense of emptiness and loneliness that i did use others' feelings to do so. it is rare that i really did fall for someone and when i fell hard, it did not work out the way i wanted either. that is why i am jaded now. jaded but still empty and lonely. i have thought many a times to turn to my old ways and opportunities to do so came too. but why is it that i still shun away? i am too tired and too afraid to make the attempt to know someone again and to make the attempt to like someone again. it is an effort-consuming proccess and i'm simply too lethargic to work up an effort to start all over again.

perhaps a fling is all i need now. but when it happened, it went way beyond my expectations and i didn't expect myself to fall for someone i just wanted to play with. i'm stucked in a situation when all i can do is to do nothing. anyhow, i am proud of twinny. she has the courage. she is bold and upfront. she confronted the scummy guy for all the injustice he slashed onto her that the wounds are fresh and painful to her. for all the pain she has suffered, at least he knows of the pain. albeit the "reasons" he came up to defend himself with is lame, but he knows that such a thing is going on. for all my courage to do anything else, it does not apply when it comes to matters of the heart. my defenses are high and numerous. it is not easy to come close to my heart and when someone comes closer to me but hurt me in the process, my defenses would multiply and become more inpenetrable. hence my jaded-ness.

still, i admire twinny. by lashing out all the injustice she has felt, the pain would be released and would lessen though she would still suffer from it. but it would do her good in the long run. never keep things in the heart. our heart has too many responsibilities without us adding onto its burden. us and only us would suffer in the long run if we were to continue like this and yet, we don't seem to stop. btw, girls watch out for guys above 18. girls our age tend to get hurt by them and it is a trend that i have realized.

girls our age suffer the most because most of the time, we are merely their playthings. unless the guy is your long-term boyfriend or someone you have known even before he was above 18, then maybe it doesn't apply. guys above 18 tend to have the tendency to lead girls our age into thinking deeper into a relationship because of their intimate actions. it is their need to release all their pent-up male hormonal reactions that they tend to have their "needs". uncle psalm said to watch out for army guys because they are in camp which equals to no females that once they are out, they have their "needs". well, i would take it to be true 'cause he has been in the army for years and is now a high-ranking army officer. he has trained and seen too many army guys to know what they are like now. hmmm... it includes the fact that he is an army guy too and i know him. men. oh well. i should know too. i suffer and share a similar experience but it feels degrading. i feel filthy saying it and it is a skeleton in my closet now.

♥ occasionally sane but mostly weird 9:15 pm.