super long entree.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

at the insistence of my dearest beloved twinny, here i am again. though i was supposed to blog another entry yesterday, i was simply to tired; drained out to do anything more. i vaguely recall myself trying really hard to stay awake whilst typing goodness-knows-what to rynnie. haha.. anyway, here it goes.

somehow, somewhere, as my sensitive side of me shows; different thoughts and emotions pop out during different times, different places. as in my natural instinct, i would instinctively think of what i would like to express in my blog. it ranged from the fiasca at Marina Square, Harry Potter Movie, even to the dead corpse lying on the road and till yesterday, my wretched irritation with my family and a realization of what i have never thought of before.

it wasn't till yesterday when he called me that i realized something more profound of what i have known all along. i was his tool for driving away boredom. talking to me when he's going home, until he's got something better to do or someone better to do things with. i have known that from the start, but still, it did not keep me away from talking or accompanying him till it was over. it was quite pathetic; the way i let myself be used like that and clinging to every second which we talked though i might have something else more imperative going on. but it was not till yesterday when i realized why i liked him all along. many a times he asked me why, what could a girl see in him, i didn't know what to say, but explained it was just quite an unexplainable thing. i found my answer yesterday. he reminded me too much of isaac. it wasn't that a did not have any good qualities in him that attracted girls but he was just too much like isaac. i was struck by the potency of the likeness, the qualities that they shared in common. albeit that they are starkly different in many ways, oddly, i was attracted to the same traits which they shared.

i thought i have had forgotten him; thinking that time had diminished the hurt, the pain, the fear but worse of all, the liking of him. i would not use that word love because i believe that nothing can overcome the power of love if it stood the test of time. afterall, he had left for australia for his pilot training not long after our date. the months he left seemed like years to me. i was afraid, i was hurt and i think i had really fallen for him. the things we did together was subreal, it was an entirely new experience and in a way, it changed me. when he came back, i was shocked that i stood rooted to the ground, transfixed at his message. he asked me out many a times, persistently and doggedly despite my many refusals because i knew he was dangerous, too dangerous for me. i walked on precarious grounds when i was with him. i'd lose my head when we are together, there's just this something in him that could persuade you to do anything; this something in him which could remove any warnings in you. ultimately, he backed off because he knew i had made up my mind. i longed badly to go but i knew i could not. i did not want to continue with my mistake and it was easier doing that without his enigmatic presense which could clean my mind state-clean. everytime i left, everytime i came back to the real world, i'd shock myself as i got swarmed in the aftermath, realizing what i had done. he changed the balance of power whenever i was with him. no matter what happened, somehow, i'm in his spell. i hate him, i really do. he makes me lose control of myself. in a way, he's quite a hypocrite. asking me; when ultimately, he could get control of me to agree with him. I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!

as if all these weren't enough, problems don't come in ones. they come in packs, by the dozens i think. just when we were watching harry potter on thursday night.... i shall add a post script about it later. i was sandwiched between daddy and josh. daddy picked up a phone call in the midst of all that noise from the movie and he was shouting that he couldn't hear anything. it was really embarrassing because many people turned and stared at him. it didn't help that i was sitting right next to him. but then again, u'd have to realize that daddy's phone calls are normally very important. his handphone is extremely imperative in his business as fast response and decision-making is crucial in his trade that it could never be switched off or left neglected. every second lost is big business flushing down the toilet. those un-important phonecalls were only made by members of the family but then, all of us were in the movie theatre which could only mean that it was an important phone call that daddy had to pick up.

it turned out to be from the SIA. in a sense, they totally ruined my day. they made a big bluster and told us that our flight was actually on the 30th Nov when they told us it was on the 28th Nov previously.. just when we took all the trouble to arrange our schedules so that the dates when we were going off to Perth wouldn't clash with anything. more importantly, it was the 24thNov; collection of josh's PSLE results and grandma's birthday, 28th Nov; my prom and the 4th Nov; daddy's flight to shanghai, that we didn't want it to clash with. it clashed eventually. now i'm only allowed to go for prom for 2 hours+ before i head straight off to the airport. i mean, how can such a prominent organization like the SIA make such a blunder? don't they know the consequences?! are they really that arrogant that they think our lives revolves around them and their mistake-making??? (excuse me, but your lives don't revolve around mine and so neither does my life revolve around yours! get this clear and stop making such stupid blunders!) anyway, i got so mad that i told daddy and mumsie to sue them. it was not that simple.

1. mumsie had to beg for extra leave from her boss.

2. her colleagues being such brats were causing her mental distress by saying a lot of crap about her leave-taking.

3. this applied for daddy too.

4. i am suffering from EXTRA mental distress because i would not be able to enjoy my prom fully.

5. prom is an once-in-a-lifetime event.

6. they are wasting my money because i paid for my prom already.

7. i wouldn't get to see my friends after the prom.

what the hell, can we sue them now?

then it was mumsie. i knew i had to pay for my own prom stuff but when i asked her before, she said she'd give a hundred bucks. yesterday when i asked, she said eighty. when i asked why she kept changing what she said.

mumsie: oh. i think i shouldn't even give you eighty. even fifty is way too much.

naturally, i was gobsmacked and i was gaping at her with my jaws dropping to my lap. you can barely get a decent dress for a hundred bucks! what's more with eighty or fifty, what decent prom dress would i be able to get with that?! not to mention, shoes, accessories, makeup, hairstyling/haircut and all that stuff. i did not expect her to sponsor everything but at least the dress is the most basic thing of all. when i told her that, she was like telling me that i didn't need a dress. even a 2 two dollar shirt would suffice.

mumsie: even if you wear like mei mei (she was wearing pyjamas okay!!!) you can also go in to Fullerton so don't need to dress up lah. even if you go in those (translated from mandarin) shabby clothes, no one would care.

what the hell. i bet she would not go in pyjamas or those cheap clothes if she went to the Fullerton so what makes her think i would! if she wants to embarrass herself, go ahead. i don't want to embarass myself, thank you very much. besides, can you imagine yourself going to prom in a cheap t-shirt and shorts plus slippers/sandals when everybody is dressed up formally, decked out in their best? trust me, humilation and embarrassment are not the only things on the cards. afterall, prom is all about dressing up. trust me, even though they said it isn't, it's a sad fact of life. it's a time when everybody play dress up and doll up. arghh. parents. though they always say you can enjoy yourself how you like after the exams because they will let you have your fun, IT IS SO NOT TRUE. they simply ruin everything. all the fun you are entitled to, it's just a delusion. mine kept saying how they wanted me to have fun at my prom so they will try to avoid a clash in the dates; the night when we recieved the call, daddy and mumsie were saying: IT'S JUST A PROM ONLY WHAT. WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT? gawd. i felt like telling them to stuff it.

serious. my day, my night was entirely ruined by all that. it didn't help later on when we left Carl's Jr when we spent ages searching for the car because mumsie thought she parked at Level 1. the carpark was humongous, even for level 1. in the end, it turned out to be at Basement 1. gawd. it was pass midnight before we reached home when a traffic jam from town all the way to upper changi road took place. the dead corpse was lying next to our car!!!!!!!!! ewwwww. i was so traumatised. the bus screen looked as though a bullet had gone through it while the civil defense and fire engines coupled with the firemen, civil defense people and policemen were all around the area. later on, it strucked josh to know how "KPO" singaporeans are. parked along the roadsides at the nearby roads, there were plenty of cars doing that illegal parking thingy with the cars empty of course. good heavens. what's so nice to watch? for me, i couldn't even wait to get home. i was drained, tired out by all the series of events. my life is like shit. i feel like shit.

thank goodness i have my twinny. phew. at least she keeps my day shining. RYNNIE... I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

p/s: people who read the book, don't watch the movie unless you get a free ticket or if you are really curious of how it looks like real-life. otherwise, don't watch it.

♥ occasionally sane but mostly weird 2:21 pm.