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my vaccum life
Friday, November 04, 2005
i feel suffocated. i can't breathe. i'm working on a clock-work basis. i can not feel myself inside. tell me it's my moodswings please. life continually working like a clock-work mouse, devoid of any humanly emotions is a future that is simply too unbearable to contemplate.
gone were the carefree days when a sweet or two, could bribe me into being the happiest girl in the world. gone were the days when a sulk or maybe a pout or two, could erase the trouble in me. and gone were the days when responsibilities, considerations, expectations never had an impact or influence on me.
"am i living my life others want or am i living it the way i wanted to?", i wonder. just when i finally picked up the broken pieces of my life and tried piecing them together, trying to make my life work out. hard as i tried, the success i thought i had was nothing more than a mirage. an illusion. deluding me of the actual truth.
as i finished my lunch today, i realized that everything tasted like sawdust and cardboard in my mouth. ally came to me. boy, was she a vision for sore eyes today. and it was then, i realized the depth of my sisterly love for her. i never thought it was so intense till she, so sweetly, came to me and asked to play Boggle with her. the picture before my eyes was totally angelic though the word has been used wrongly for years. angels were never females. besides, not every angel were good. hence the delusion of the term "angelic" to mean heavenly goodness or positivity.
tall and lanky in her pink dress, her waist length of raven black hair came tumbling over shoulders, draping over her shoulders and straps of the dress as though they were artistically and lovingly placed. she resembled a free horse. all arms and legs, her mane of hair; free and unheld. her halo of hair framed her face, bringing out the rosiness of her cheeks, making her bambi eyes seem larger than usual. as she clutched her bread in her hands, she was so shy and so soft-spoken today. it amused me to see how she whispered to ask me to play Boggle; as though we were doing something naughty in the innocent act of playing Boggle. it later occurred to me that she realized i have my impending o level exams to study for. still, i sat down and played with her. i enjoyed myself a lot. but as the chinese say, good things never last long. the dreaded feeling of emptiness seeped in and occupied the hollow core of my soul. it positively made me sick. when i asked for the game to take its end, ally merely shrugged and kept the game. then she was off to search for other things to entertain herself.
i barely managed a half-effort smile to acknowledge the fun of playing Boggle with her. i don't think she knew how much, truly, i enjoyed it. but i just can't bear to smile. emptiness has this knack of creeping in, no matter where you are and what you are doing. i'm tired of putting on a mask everyday; smiling just because it is expected of me.
manipulation, disguisement, deception, illusion have never been my style. i don't want them and never will i. trying to progress in changing my life but forces so strong, seems to retard that growth. it's as though in the case of the farmer. where he; so loving, plant his crops, watering and weeding his plants. still, his crops and him, can never escape the harsh cruelty of the weather (NATURE). helplessness has never been my strong suit. i don't thrive on that feeling. please, help me. take it away. let me be happy.
♥ occasionally sane but mostly weird 3:07 pm.
Prelude
Annsley's words.
She tried to fall in love but failed.
She learned everything the hard way.
To be on top, you must sacrifice.
She's alone.
Putting distance between people and herself.
She's losing everyone.
Hell of a complicated girl.
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A N N S L E Y there's nothing wrong with my name.
If you think you know me, read my blog and think again. I'm imperfect and I can't help it..
I'm the only witness and the only person who can judge my life.
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