Saturday, November 19, 2005

hmm.. i went around reading other's blogs. twinny is stuck in some place drooling over the cute guys at some dinner. (sighs) it really is boring online without her. those taking their o levels this year are planning what they were going to do after the o levels and if they haven't finished their o levels already, they definitely were looking to the end of the o levels with much UN-concealed anticipation, much to their parents' annoyance. mumsie is pretty annoyed with me too. it feels as though there is no exams anymore. maybe this is why there is no sense of urgency in me to study yet. i've been wasting my friday night and saturday away. mann.. mumsie's threatening to call daddy wherever he is now to get me to study. but haven't they known how i am like? afterall, they have known be all my life. it amazes me to think how little my parents know about me. they should know by now that the more they try to force me to do what i don't like, the more i wouldn't do it. even if i did, it would only be for show and ultimately, it goes back to square one.

i can hardly wait till the exams are over. it's certainly going to be filled with shopping, shopping and more shopping. but the more pressing thing is to search for something for prom. good griefs. everybody is going out with their parents searching for their prom stuffs while i'm stucked here, sitting in front of my com at home though i'm supposed to be studying. i don't care if mumsie don't gives me anything but i definitely don't want to be humilated. pride is my perogative. it is pride that makes me tick. marcus always said that pride comes before a fall; that i would suffer because of my pride but so what? it is because of my pride that everytime i fall, i manage to stand up on my feet. but i think he knows me too well to say more. especially since i've been screaming and shouting at him, thrashing out at him, shooting him point-blank at everything he said. LOL. he's scared of me. funny. considering his big build and height, it would seem funny to anyone else that he should be afraid of me. hmmm.. on second thoughts, maybe afraid is not the word to use here, but he just lets me have my way.

still, we talk less these days. maybe it's because our situations have changed and that we, as people, have changed too. i feel guilty at how i've treated him before. it is odd that how i'd feel guilty at treating him so shabbily but somehow, it doesn't stop. everytime i tell myself to treat him better, the circumstances wouldn't allow me to do so. i'd end up snapping at him etc. in self-defense, i have to say that it ain't all my fault either. albeit times i have been unreasonable, but not everytime it was like that. still, we were very close. he dotes on me like no one have ever done before and certainly he did care. even if he cared a tad too much for my liking, was pompous and bossy beyond my low tolerance of bossiness. still, he was a good guy.

why do i always hurt those who care and really love me and to end up being hurt by those who don't care or love me? i have asked myself that many times. why don't i just continue that relationship and have a caring guy instead of breaking up to end up lonely and empty here? everytime i ask myself that, i find no answer within me. the only thing i got out of it was a realization. the realization that maybe that was why we broke up and patched so many times. it wasn't because i loved him, i needed him to keep out that empty feeling; to keep me happy. we weren't happy all the time but at least it provided me with some support through the rough times. it does seem weird but i was not the one that asked to patch everytime after we broke up. i resisted the idea of patching up because it was morally unright and ethically unjustified to do so. still, the empty feeling overwhelmed me that ultimately, i said yes. over and over again.

but when we got back together, he'd always ask me why i broke up with him. he accepted my lame excuses with much reluctance and even when i told him about isaac, he didn't say much. he did not judge or condemn me but still accepted me as a whole. i suppose he's great on that count. the entire decision to tell him about isaac surprised him and those who knew about it. i was quite shocked myself but the severity of my guilty conscience bade me to be honest or if not, MORE honest. anyway, it has all ended.

i told him the truth that we were better off as brother and sister; that we weren't cut out for a relationship. i loved him as a brother and nothing more. whether he felt the same, i am not sure. it was unfair to him in the sense that the breakup was never mutual. even in a divorce case, a divorce has to be mutual or it would never be granted. i simply did as i wished and left him to accept it. as usual, i got my way. he tried really hard, i'd grant you that. especially since this time, it was for real. but in a sense, later on, he got tired of it. getting rejected is no nice feeling to have. it is the same reason why people always fear rejection. they fear the feeling of rejection.

in a sense, don't i know it too? i've been rejected in my own way too. unloved, uncared for, neglected and used, it is a form of rejection too. the feeling sucks. still, why do i crave for it more? why do i open myself up those these kind of pain?

my answer is that women are melodramatic. they have the romantic fantasy and tendency to want this romance&drama-intense relationship, full of drama and maybe that tinge of tragedy. i don't know if it applies for every women but i think it does for me. a steady relationship is definitely not my thing. i would get bored with it in a matter of time.

lol. twinny sure has this effect on me to go bonkers. here she is; online and i'm far away from continuing in my blog. she tickles me into laughter that i am crapping more than usual. we are just two mad-caps that goes crazy when we are together. in a good way of course. hahaha.. having a stitch just by reading her blog and i'm driving her bonkers in return. and good heavens, i took more than 2 hours writing this until twinny came back here. ah wells. this is another mega-long entree.

♥ occasionally sane but mostly weird 11:02 pm.