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Saturday, November 19, 2005
i have returned to binge-ing. no more treadmill, no more nothing. just plain binge-ing. while every other girl are going through promnorexia; losing weight for the impending proms, i'm doing the otherwise. i simply eat and eat non-stop. it ain't that i'm not trying to curb my appetite, but i just can't help it. emotions have this funny effect on you but stress and depression only has 2. both are negative effects but it might be good for individuals depending on which angle you're looking from. depression only has two; gain weight or lose weight.
when depressed, tendency to feel like shit occurs very often. while some people experience the lost of appetite due to their feelings, some; like me, we experience an increase in appetite that we simply binge. food has this calming effect that soothes the frazzled emotions albeit only for the period of time while you are eating. still, it is like drugs. an addict would do anything just to experience that rush of adrenaline; to feel high. it is the same for me; anything to feel that sense of calmness, that temporary absence of emptiness and sadness.
i don't know why i feel this way. i feel like shit and i feel that my life is that way too. only that this time it ain't that bad. having someone to talk to keeps you more in touch with normality. thank heavens for twinny or i'd be doing something crazy instead. i'm not crying though i feel sometimes that i want to. i'm not killing myself just YET. but i don't think i want to kill myself either. there's just this something that makes me feel that life ain't worth living for but yet, i still want to continue with it.
like anybody depressed manics, we have the tendency to want to feel pain. it is sadistic but it is true. i'm a sadist and i can never try to deny that. in many different forms, the pain is felt. many slash wrists, torment themselves but i torment myself by eating. i think i've once revealed that i used to eat and eat till i'd simply puke from over-eating. bulimic or not, i think i was. it is ironical that how even for now, twinny and i have an agreement though it is just for jest. she's the anorexic twinny while i'm the bulimic twinny. some things just never change.
i'm sullen and difficult now. only few can get along with me because perhaps, these are the few whom i feel most at ease. people whom i'm familar with; people that i don't have to try and make the extra effort to be nice or polite to.
i'm swollen and i'm bulky. i can feel all the lumps and fats bunching up in my body. i feel fat and frumpy and i hate it. i hate myself for who i am and what i've let myself become. i've gained lots of weight and i hate it. i hate myself for making all sorts of resolution to stop eating but still eat anyway. i hate myself for eating despite not feeling hungry. i hate myself for letting myself being like that. i just hate being depressed.
♥ occasionally sane but mostly weird 8:37 pm.
Prelude
Annsley's words.
She tried to fall in love but failed.
She learned everything the hard way.
To be on top, you must sacrifice.
She's alone.
Putting distance between people and herself.
She's losing everyone.
Hell of a complicated girl.
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A N N S L E Y there's nothing wrong with my name.
If you think you know me, read my blog and think again. I'm imperfect and I can't help it..
I'm the only witness and the only person who can judge my life.
This is my blog so I call the shots. Leave if you hate it.
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