creeping back to my shell

Thursday, November 03, 2005

too bad blogger.com had some problems just now. could not post the rest of my entry earlier in the day on ally's birthday today. anyhow, i'm not in the mood to give a blow-by-blow recount of her birthday. i can't stand my parents anymore. fickle, contradictory and quarrelsome are the best adjectives i can think of to describe them, at the moment.

brain-dead.. could not fall asleep so xanne and i ended up talking until the wee hours of the morning; 5:45am. not that i was sleepy, she wanted to go to bed. oh well. i think it was well into 6am that i finally fell asleep. to no avail, the hours of hard-gotten sleep were shortened at 8am when everyone needed to wake up. still, i don't feel i'm properly awake yet. there's this shitty feeling inside me, that anything regardless of big or small, can drive my adrenalin sky-high that i would be hyperactive and quite hysterical or make me grouchy, irritated and snappy. major HEADACHE.

my tolerance level is this limited. my nerves were properly rackled when mumsie kept saying how ungrateful and unreasonable i was, wanting to go to Shanghai to xanne when i was willing to compromise with my future. just let me go to Shanghai, even you can decide where i study and what subjects to take! i was even willing to forgo Legal Studies for some boring and rubbishy subject like Economics/Commerce/Accountancy that i was totally not interested in. come on, i go to some Government school i didn't like in the very first place, when they told me i could choose where i wanted to study, i take subject courses that i don't even like, what more do you expect from me? as for the Goverment school, they are paying dirt-cheap school fees! did my mental sums too. the budget i'd be given is also so tight. it feels as though money is so important to them that everything worth living for to me could be forsaken. just when i thought i could start living life without any regrets at last..

the tears are welling up but i am trying hard to contain it. i should not have compromised with them in the first place. it makes them think that they have the upper hand. now that they know that i don't mind, they think that they can get their way and forgo what would have been promised to me. it just isn't fair! ultimately, they would get their way. why are children always at such a losing end?

parents just never learn to keep to their word. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! when would they ever learn? they are just so full of themselves that they don't give a shit about their children. the perfect example today, i've become their trophy on display. the way they talked when we were at grandma's, i thought i would nearly throw up. i eventually did. a teeny bit, but i just swallowed those balls of bile and vomit. it was gross. they sounded as though they were the higher authority on such matters, like some OH-SO-IMPORTANT people. as if they were the one heading out to Australia to study instead.

do i want to go through such rubbish anymore? it was the life from hell. the life chosen by my parents, chosen for me to live it out. i hated Anglican High. i never wanted to go there. but my eager to please nature, this sucky compromising nature in me, led me to follow their words. i allowed their words sway my ideas and dash any ideas of me entering SCGS or Methodist Girls' which i jolly well could. in fact, my life would have been happier and probably my grades would not suffer that much either. minus-ing the fact that i was completely un-inspired to study at all. to make matters worse, i had teachers who could not even teach! and to study the subjects mumsie and daddy wants to me study, would i be happier? they never realise that what they think is easier, would it be easier on me too? they only think of themselves. what about me? do i have the interest? do i have the capability to do that? don't they realise my strengths simply do not lay there? i have never been the science or mathematic person they all are.

it is exactly the same as daddy asking me to enter Lifescience, Biomedical, Chemical Engineering, Accountancy or even Dentistry! i have NO interest in all these at all. besides, i don't even think i would do well in these or even like doing these. i'd dread them every single day of my life just as how i always dread lab experiments every week. except that i'd face them on a daily basis. do i want to wake up every morning, dreading my day even before it started, till the very day, the very moment i draw my very last breath?

i don't want to live my life doing something i hate. i really don't want. i don't want to live in regret. i don't want to live to suck at my job. i don't want to live a life of uncertainty. i don't want to live a life where my life would be mundane. i want to be strong. i want to be successful. i want to be confident. i just don't want to be someone i'd regret in the future. is that very hard to accomplish? i'd rather a hard life but a life where i make my own choices than a life i'd live to regret. what can i do? what should i do?

my heart chills at the idea. the fear of living it through. i feel like giving it up right now. not even wanting to go through all this before it all started. i feel like a coward. the coward i despise in me. the very one i am hating myself for. why can't i just fight back? why don't i do it? i have no answer. or maybe it is just perhaps i don't know how to. still, i don't want to live a life of misery. this mistake would have hell of a penalty to pay whilst my penalty would take a lifetime of misery and regret to pay for. a mix of blood and tears. i'd die living in such lifeless-ness. it'd suck out my soul. i'd just be living a life of a soul-less shell. what is so wrong now? can they see i'm just trying to protect myself from all this that would happen. but my protection is just paper-thin. i feel so helpless. i can't do anything. what can i do? i want to cry and cry just to wake up to find it all over me. but this is the sad life of reality. tears don't and can't wash it away. i just want to stay in my shell of protection forever. stop breaking it.

♥ occasionally sane but mostly weird 10:01 pm.